Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Skinny Girl for the Summer

Started the Skinny Girl Diet today, so far so good. I slept in till almost 11 on purpose so I'd miss breakfast. Didn't anything till 1ish when my dad came down to eat lunch.
2 celery stalks (11)
1 tbsp Sabra Hummus (35)
1 tbsp Fat-Free Veggie Dip (15)
TOTAL- 61 cals out of 300 :)
So far so good. Just graduated from college Saturday so we had a huge party at my house. Which means there's lots of chips, burgers, cake, ice cream and other crap in the house that I had been grazing on for a few days. Disgusting. Also disgusting, the fact that I've been purging again almost every time I eat, no matter how much or what it is. Everyday I keep telling myself 'tomorrow, tomorrow I'll do better, I restrict and watch what I eat'. And so I keep putting off cuz I keep stuffing my face. So I'm not going to say to myself that I'll do better and what not, I'm just going to do it. So far I have which is good. I'm just going to go from hour to hour.
I can do this. mhm

Friday, June 11, 2010

Still here

So I've totally been a ghost for like....ever. Sorry about that. Shit has been so crazy busy but I just took my last final EVER today. And I'm graduating in a week. Un-fucking-believable. I'm still so fucking scared that I won't, like I'm gonna find out at the last minute that I failed a class. Hopefully that won't happen.
And I haven't lost anything. I'm stuck at 119 which makes me want to cry every minute of every day. I just keep eating crap and a lot of it. I've been dying to get back some self-control. I've started going on all the old sites again, which is helping. I'm planning on starting ABC tomorrow. I so desperately need to change something. I can't stay at this weight. I hate going out with friends because that means I have to put on something other than a tshirt and pj shorts. And while I'm out, all I can think about is how fat I must look and how I can feel my thighs touching and my fat hanging over my bra.
I've been thinking more and more about lipo and shit like that. Just thinking about all of this shit makes me so depressed. I just want to stop eating. I want to stop looking like this. And I know it starts with me, I need to be the one to get off my ass and start  doing something about it.
I know, I know.
I'd like to think that I'm slowly starting to do this.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why is it that every single time I feel like things are finally getting better, it hits me in the face and I wind up, once again, in this spiraling depression? And of all things to do it, it's my boyfriend's bday. After everything that we've been through so far, I just wanted to do something special for him to show him that I love him and whatnot. But instead, when I show up to his house [after I told him I was coming] he's not there. From 5 until about 11 he's not there. "Enjoying the day" with his friends. I don't really understand how you enjoy the day inside of 5 bars.
I admit, it's partly my fault because I didn't call him when I finally got to his house. But he knows how long it take me to get there and he said he wouldn't be out that long.
And when he finally does show up, he beyond drunk and expects me to have sex with him. Coming from the guy who said the only thing I work hard at in this relationship is getting into his pants.
I really don't know how much longer this could last. And it sucks. There's a senior social next Friday and I bought tickets to it and he said he'd go with me. Of course, he was sure to remind me how much he hates everyone there. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?
And I feel like if I were to say something to him, that it would:
1) make things worse
2) he'd blame it on me, saying he's done nothing for me to be upset about and i'm the one obsessing over this
3)I really don't think that he'd try to fight for us. I really don't
4) I am so so SO scared that he's just going to go fuck around with as many girls as possible once I'm out of the picture

I'm so terrified of everything right now. I have so much going on and he's the only one that I truly need support from and I don't get it. I'm graduating in a month, I still haven't heard from the 30+ jobs I've applied for, I have no idea what to do with my life

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Super Oatmeal and fruit = a Thin Me!!

So what I've been doing for a few days now is eating only about 200 cals for the whole day. I've just been eating Fiber One yogurt which is 50 cals with either a half of or whole apple which ranges from 25 to 53 cals. Then I just put a whole ton of cinnamon on it. Lunch and dinner I've been having this. I've been pretty good about it but not consistently enough for me to see any changes. I've also been mixing in some junk food and big meals here and there which is prob why.
Which is why starting tomorrow morning, I'm sticking strictly to this. Kind of a mixed Super Oatmeal Diet since I'm going to switch it up some days with low cal oatmeal. And it's also kind of awesome because going home used to feel like an issue for me regarding parents but now they're on Jenny Craig and there's like no food in the house except veggies and their meals. Which is great for me too so that now I can get away with eating just a little because there's nothing for me to eat anyway. They have a shit ton of low cal yogurts and fruit. The last time I was home that's pretty much all I ate and my mom never said a thing about it [yay]
I'm gonna be going home this weekend so fingers crossed that I can do it there. As long as I keep myself busy too, less likely I'll go looking for something to snack on.
Hope all is well with all of you and sorry I've been so absent. I've just had so much shit going on lately that coming on here or PT or DP is far from my mind. Which is prob why I haven't sticking to anything so well.
Love you all and hope you're all looking thin and fabulous. If not, you soon will be! <3

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm so tired of feeling like this. And it's always when I feel like things might actually be turning around, like things are starting to get better when it hits me. It just sucks. I feel like I just can't be around other people, like I don't even know how to function socially. I freeze up and have this meltdown in my head.
Thursday's coming up fast. And everything possible is happening that day. it's awful. I have a midterm in my hardest class, a quiz right after that, a lab in the morning, then from 4 to 8 I'm helping out Matty's mom with her breast cancer fundraiser. Matty's coming home that day too and after the fundraiser I'm going to tell him that I need to know what we're doing. He either wants to continue and work at a relationship with me or he doesn't. I can't handle this in-between shit. I'm so mentally  and emotionally messed up from this and I can't go day to day wondering what's going to happen next. I know I should be strong and take control but when I do, shit falls apart anyway.
I still don't know what to do and I have no idea if I ever will.

I meant to start a liquid fast today but I ate less than 600 cals. I'm hoping to lose at least 5 to 10 lbs by june 19th which is my graduation. I'm gonna try to do a liquid fast for the rest of the week and keep it under 500 cals when i eat.

We'll see how everything goes. fuck i hate this

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Last chances

Well, I've reached a decision. Next week after my bf comes home from his vaca to Florida, I'm going to give him an ultimatum. Either he's in our relationship or he's not, not this "some days I am" bullshit. So either he decides that he is and wants to make this work, or I'm out. I can't do this anymore. The constant fear of not knowing where we stand, feeling like he doesn't love me anymore. I mean for fuck's sake, he AVOIDS kissing me and won't even hold my hand. I saw him on Sunday and I went to kiss him on the lips, he turned his head away. I try and hold his hand when we were laying next to each other watching tv, and he shakes me off. Really? WTF.
After 3 1/2 years, this shit happens. I'm graduating in 2 months, I NEED to focus on getting all my classes done. I need to find a job and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Of all the things I thought would be stable and steady, I always figured I'd have him to count on, to keep me together and help me out. Guess not.
He's not even making an effort to see me before he leaves. I know he's only gonna be gone for 6 days but still, it would be nice to just see each other. But he doesn't even care.
All my friends, family, and even his mom think this is the right thing to do. But fuck, I hate the idea of losing this after all this time. It kills me, I honestly thought we'd always be together. I truly thought I was going to marry him.
But I guess not all dreams can come true.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I am so miserable. Pretty much sums up the vast amount of things running through my head and how they're making me feel.
I had to go see one of my professors to make up a test I missed last week cuz of a doc appointment. It was oral and since he is Polish with the worst accent and on semblance of sentence structure, I had no idea what the hell he was trying to ask me. Summary: I totally fucked it up and was told that I pretty much suck, don't understand the material, and he doesn't understand how I don't. Along the lines of "What the hell are you doing here? How are you possible a graduating senior?" I wanted to burst into tears right there but I kept my composure.
Some of it is just me. I honestly can't process anything, I'm just so empty and I can't focus. Mostly just when people are talking to me. If no one talks to me and asks me questions, I'm ok.

And it sucks because I'm on the verge of tears again, and all I want is to see my boyfriend and him just hold me while I cry and tell me everything's going to be fine.
But I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or parents about it. I'm afraid to talk to my bf about it. So here I am, just stuck in this state of perpetual misery and loneliness. I can't do this anymore or it's going to crush me for good.
I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

Again only upside is that I barely eat, if at all. I just have no desire or motivation to eat. I actually felt skinny this morning, which brought a half smile to my face.