Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Skinny Girl for the Summer

Started the Skinny Girl Diet today, so far so good. I slept in till almost 11 on purpose so I'd miss breakfast. Didn't anything till 1ish when my dad came down to eat lunch.
2 celery stalks (11)
1 tbsp Sabra Hummus (35)
1 tbsp Fat-Free Veggie Dip (15)
TOTAL- 61 cals out of 300 :)
So far so good. Just graduated from college Saturday so we had a huge party at my house. Which means there's lots of chips, burgers, cake, ice cream and other crap in the house that I had been grazing on for a few days. Disgusting. Also disgusting, the fact that I've been purging again almost every time I eat, no matter how much or what it is. Everyday I keep telling myself 'tomorrow, tomorrow I'll do better, I restrict and watch what I eat'. And so I keep putting off cuz I keep stuffing my face. So I'm not going to say to myself that I'll do better and what not, I'm just going to do it. So far I have which is good. I'm just going to go from hour to hour.
I can do this. mhm

Friday, June 11, 2010

Still here

So I've totally been a ghost for like....ever. Sorry about that. Shit has been so crazy busy but I just took my last final EVER today. And I'm graduating in a week. Un-fucking-believable. I'm still so fucking scared that I won't, like I'm gonna find out at the last minute that I failed a class. Hopefully that won't happen.
And I haven't lost anything. I'm stuck at 119 which makes me want to cry every minute of every day. I just keep eating crap and a lot of it. I've been dying to get back some self-control. I've started going on all the old sites again, which is helping. I'm planning on starting ABC tomorrow. I so desperately need to change something. I can't stay at this weight. I hate going out with friends because that means I have to put on something other than a tshirt and pj shorts. And while I'm out, all I can think about is how fat I must look and how I can feel my thighs touching and my fat hanging over my bra.
I've been thinking more and more about lipo and shit like that. Just thinking about all of this shit makes me so depressed. I just want to stop eating. I want to stop looking like this. And I know it starts with me, I need to be the one to get off my ass and start  doing something about it.
I know, I know.
I'd like to think that I'm slowly starting to do this.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why is it that every single time I feel like things are finally getting better, it hits me in the face and I wind up, once again, in this spiraling depression? And of all things to do it, it's my boyfriend's bday. After everything that we've been through so far, I just wanted to do something special for him to show him that I love him and whatnot. But instead, when I show up to his house [after I told him I was coming] he's not there. From 5 until about 11 he's not there. "Enjoying the day" with his friends. I don't really understand how you enjoy the day inside of 5 bars.
I admit, it's partly my fault because I didn't call him when I finally got to his house. But he knows how long it take me to get there and he said he wouldn't be out that long.
And when he finally does show up, he beyond drunk and expects me to have sex with him. Coming from the guy who said the only thing I work hard at in this relationship is getting into his pants.
I really don't know how much longer this could last. And it sucks. There's a senior social next Friday and I bought tickets to it and he said he'd go with me. Of course, he was sure to remind me how much he hates everyone there. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?
And I feel like if I were to say something to him, that it would:
1) make things worse
2) he'd blame it on me, saying he's done nothing for me to be upset about and i'm the one obsessing over this
3)I really don't think that he'd try to fight for us. I really don't
4) I am so so SO scared that he's just going to go fuck around with as many girls as possible once I'm out of the picture

I'm so terrified of everything right now. I have so much going on and he's the only one that I truly need support from and I don't get it. I'm graduating in a month, I still haven't heard from the 30+ jobs I've applied for, I have no idea what to do with my life

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Super Oatmeal and fruit = a Thin Me!!

So what I've been doing for a few days now is eating only about 200 cals for the whole day. I've just been eating Fiber One yogurt which is 50 cals with either a half of or whole apple which ranges from 25 to 53 cals. Then I just put a whole ton of cinnamon on it. Lunch and dinner I've been having this. I've been pretty good about it but not consistently enough for me to see any changes. I've also been mixing in some junk food and big meals here and there which is prob why.
Which is why starting tomorrow morning, I'm sticking strictly to this. Kind of a mixed Super Oatmeal Diet since I'm going to switch it up some days with low cal oatmeal. And it's also kind of awesome because going home used to feel like an issue for me regarding parents but now they're on Jenny Craig and there's like no food in the house except veggies and their meals. Which is great for me too so that now I can get away with eating just a little because there's nothing for me to eat anyway. They have a shit ton of low cal yogurts and fruit. The last time I was home that's pretty much all I ate and my mom never said a thing about it [yay]
I'm gonna be going home this weekend so fingers crossed that I can do it there. As long as I keep myself busy too, less likely I'll go looking for something to snack on.
Hope all is well with all of you and sorry I've been so absent. I've just had so much shit going on lately that coming on here or PT or DP is far from my mind. Which is prob why I haven't sticking to anything so well.
Love you all and hope you're all looking thin and fabulous. If not, you soon will be! <3

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm so tired of feeling like this. And it's always when I feel like things might actually be turning around, like things are starting to get better when it hits me. It just sucks. I feel like I just can't be around other people, like I don't even know how to function socially. I freeze up and have this meltdown in my head.
Thursday's coming up fast. And everything possible is happening that day. it's awful. I have a midterm in my hardest class, a quiz right after that, a lab in the morning, then from 4 to 8 I'm helping out Matty's mom with her breast cancer fundraiser. Matty's coming home that day too and after the fundraiser I'm going to tell him that I need to know what we're doing. He either wants to continue and work at a relationship with me or he doesn't. I can't handle this in-between shit. I'm so mentally  and emotionally messed up from this and I can't go day to day wondering what's going to happen next. I know I should be strong and take control but when I do, shit falls apart anyway.
I still don't know what to do and I have no idea if I ever will.

I meant to start a liquid fast today but I ate less than 600 cals. I'm hoping to lose at least 5 to 10 lbs by june 19th which is my graduation. I'm gonna try to do a liquid fast for the rest of the week and keep it under 500 cals when i eat.

We'll see how everything goes. fuck i hate this

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Last chances

Well, I've reached a decision. Next week after my bf comes home from his vaca to Florida, I'm going to give him an ultimatum. Either he's in our relationship or he's not, not this "some days I am" bullshit. So either he decides that he is and wants to make this work, or I'm out. I can't do this anymore. The constant fear of not knowing where we stand, feeling like he doesn't love me anymore. I mean for fuck's sake, he AVOIDS kissing me and won't even hold my hand. I saw him on Sunday and I went to kiss him on the lips, he turned his head away. I try and hold his hand when we were laying next to each other watching tv, and he shakes me off. Really? WTF.
After 3 1/2 years, this shit happens. I'm graduating in 2 months, I NEED to focus on getting all my classes done. I need to find a job and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Of all the things I thought would be stable and steady, I always figured I'd have him to count on, to keep me together and help me out. Guess not.
He's not even making an effort to see me before he leaves. I know he's only gonna be gone for 6 days but still, it would be nice to just see each other. But he doesn't even care.
All my friends, family, and even his mom think this is the right thing to do. But fuck, I hate the idea of losing this after all this time. It kills me, I honestly thought we'd always be together. I truly thought I was going to marry him.
But I guess not all dreams can come true.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I am so miserable. Pretty much sums up the vast amount of things running through my head and how they're making me feel.
I had to go see one of my professors to make up a test I missed last week cuz of a doc appointment. It was oral and since he is Polish with the worst accent and on semblance of sentence structure, I had no idea what the hell he was trying to ask me. Summary: I totally fucked it up and was told that I pretty much suck, don't understand the material, and he doesn't understand how I don't. Along the lines of "What the hell are you doing here? How are you possible a graduating senior?" I wanted to burst into tears right there but I kept my composure.
Some of it is just me. I honestly can't process anything, I'm just so empty and I can't focus. Mostly just when people are talking to me. If no one talks to me and asks me questions, I'm ok.

And it sucks because I'm on the verge of tears again, and all I want is to see my boyfriend and him just hold me while I cry and tell me everything's going to be fine.
But I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or parents about it. I'm afraid to talk to my bf about it. So here I am, just stuck in this state of perpetual misery and loneliness. I can't do this anymore or it's going to crush me for good.
I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

Again only upside is that I barely eat, if at all. I just have no desire or motivation to eat. I actually felt skinny this morning, which brought a half smile to my face.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


They go out, fill their mouths with drink and food so they don't have to speak
And in between courses they're gasping for air, so they yawn and look at their feet.

Shit this is exactly how I feel.....

Lame ass drama

I still feel miserable and depressed. This is getting stupid now. All I want to do at this point is just see my boyfriend. I don't care if we talk about all this shit that's going on between us, I just want to see him and be with him. I have seen or really talked to him in a week. I just want things to be alright again.
I texted him today to see if we could hang out. I feel like I have to ask his permission to come over now, when I never had to. I wanted him to invite me over, maybe go out to dinner like we used to every Tuesday. But he never said anything inclining towards it. I asked if maybe he wanted to hangout but I never really got a definitive answer. So I just told him to call me when he's leaving the gym.
I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore, aside from depressed. I start thinking about him and us and I just want to start crying.
I've also come to the realization that I just want to drink all the time. I constantly get this urge to just start drinking until I can't feel anymore. But I don't follow through, mostly because all I can think of is how many calories is in liquor.
I tried cutting again after like 5 years. It did jack shit for me and made feel like a failure because I couldn't even get the cut to bleed like I wanted it to. So I haven't done that again nor do I really want to. It's begun to cross my mind more and more lately but that's about as far as it goes.
I just feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I'm just a failure. I know it's not true but still that's how  I feel.
Well, at least I haven't eaten anything all day. I've been sleeping in between classes when most of my friends go to lunch so that I have an excuse not to go. I'm working on avoiding dinner.
So far I've had nothing but water and a 50cal whey protein shake. I was actually willing and excited to go out to eat sushi tonight, mostly cuz I'd get to see my boyfriend but I'm not betting that it's going to happen. I least I'll be able put off dinner with my friends.
I get sick of bitching about all this. It seems so self-centered and annoying. I hate coming across as that because I'd like to think that I'm nothing like that. But of course this is the only place where I can talk it out.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Poetry and Pounds

Let's pretend what we said is from a script
Well written from a daytime drama
We'll win an award for our brilliant acting
But at least we'll only be pretending.
You're words and causes won't leave a sting
And mine that cut will have no meaning
So that we can smile and go back to living. 
No need for silence and anxious guesses
That leaves me restless and aching for hope.
I want to touch without freezing
Your kisses that hit their mark.
Flowing speech that's not strung up.
I had your love, I think I lost it
But all that's lost can be found.
I'm on the search, I'm trying hard
I hope you look up long enough to notice.
So please, let's try, I'll pick up my script
I'll do it with a smile because, after all,
It's only pretend. 
~~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~~~~

I still feel like shit is awful between me and my boyfriend. I practically didn't eat for the last couple days except for some dinner because I was at his house. Lost like 3 pounds which brightened my mood a little bit. But then I got upset again because it wasn't enough. 
I ate so much today and it was ALL  bread. Fuck. I weighed myself this morning and I was like 119.8 then after lunch and it was 121.4 and it just makes me more depressed. But now that I've proven to myself that I can go the whole day with nothing but liquids, I know that I lose more weight. 
My first time goal is to try and lose at least 10 lbs by May 3 which is my bf's bday. The ultimate time goal is June 19, which is when I graduate, and by then I hope to lose 20 lbs. If I follow what I've been doing, and get my ass outside and moving, I know I can do this. 
I just hope everything gets worked out. He said that he needs some time to think on all of this, to make sure we're "in it for the right reasons". Supposedly we're going to talk sometime next week because he's off from work. [sigh]  
The only good thing from this is that I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything except what I absolutely have to [classes, etc.] so I'm not really eating. Those 2 days I wouldn't have had dinner either if I didn't go to his house. 
I hope all you girls are doing well. Hopefully better than me. 
Stay strong, be beautiful, and think thin <3

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Everything is Falling Apart

Which is exactly how I feel. Hashed it out with my boyfriend the other night. Shit has just been bad and I got to my breaking point. He says it's only because I realized how serious he was. Serious about what, I'm not really sure. He didn't say but I think I knew what he was driving at. He claims that we let this whole thing go too far and now it can't be resolved. When I asked him what we do then, if there is no resolving it, he never answered. Again, I knew what he was getting at but he would never say it out loud.

Supposedly, in the land of "we don't talk about it", everything's ok and we're ok. But I went over to his house last night and noticed a few things:
- Either he has bad aim or he's not kissing me straight on on purpose [I don't think it's the first]
- He doesn't touch me unless it's to fake hit me or put his fingers in my face. I tried to snuggle with him last night in bed and he usually puts his arm around me. Not last night.

So that hopefully feeling I woke up with is gone. I'm once again depressed which means I'm not going to want to do anything but of course I'm going to make myself. Only bright side is I won't eat anything.
Fuck this.
I really wanted to say something to him this morning when I left. But of course I didn't, I just wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible.

When will everything be ok

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I got to come home early for the weekend. Yay! My Lit of the Supernatural class for tomorrow was cancelled cuz my teacher has some meeting and we worked it out that now we don't have to go to Environmental Risk on Fridays.
Altho the reason I came home early isn't all that great. My dad has his surgery in the morning. He got diagnosed with prostate cancer in December but since they caught it so early and the cancer's completely isolated, he's gonna be fine. It's just a bit nerve wracking that he still has to be put under for like 4 hours and have doctors cutting him open. eeeh. Nope don't like it.
But, again, he's gonna be perfectly fine.

In other news:::
I got a new phone!! So excited, it's the Samsung Mythic and I love it :D
I've been playing with it all night and now I can actually go on the internet so I've been setting it up so that this, Pretty Thin, Doll Parts, and Fat Secret are in my favs link.

I just finished calculating how much I ate today. It was actually way under 800 for the total which kinda shocked me. I was avoiding eating all day but when I did eat, I felt like it was alot. I had a waffle at 7:30am then didn't eat until about 4:30pm when I made myself a turkey sub with lots of hot peppers and jalapeƱos.
Then at 6:30 I made another small turkey sandwich but also added some cajun pepper to it.

I have yet to weigh myself cuz I'm terrified of what the number will be. Since no one's really gonna be at the house, I won't have to eat for anyone. And I'm planning on exercising my ass off all weekend. I really need to start getting in the habit of going to work out or going for a run. Just getting off my ass.
I have been sleeping alot lately, mostly as a way to avoid the opportunity to eat.

Anywho, I'm starting to get tired soooo I'm off to bed.
btw LOOOVE the new Lady Gaga video....and Lady Gaga lol
Love you all and can't wait till we're all beautiful and thin!! <3

Friday, March 12, 2010

I hate this feeling. I hate being so hyper aware of every inch of my body, every inch of fat. Of having the urge to scream, or cry, or even throw up every time I feel my thighs touch, see my stomach stick out, feel my back fat spill over my bra.....all of this shit. It's awful.
It pisses me off that I fucked up so bad when I was so close to my goal weight. It pisses me off that I have to start all over again and that I feel as though I've lost all control.
But I can do this, I was fucking 107!!!
[sigh] Ana give me strength.....
I'm doing this shit. I'm getting tired of saying it so many times, as I'm sure you're probably sick of hearing me say it so many times. I'm just hoping that maybe if I say it enough, I'll finally believe in myself enough to get on top of it.

Anyway....2nd week of school down. I'm back home now with the fam which is awesome. I'm so happy to be home. I haven't seen my family in....well...about 2 weeks or so. It's also nice to be away from the drama of my boyfriend, he has become so retarded lately. Like we've absolutely switched roles in our relationship. He's just always bitching about something that I'm doing, and of course I can't do anything right. whatever.

Well, I'm off to go run on the treadmill, Love you all and hopefully tomorrow will bring me the inspiration and drive I need.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

72 Hour Fast...hopefully

Ok...for those who might actually read this blog, I'm sure you're getting tired of me jumping from one thing to the next diet-wise. I'm like in freakout mode, I'm so desperate to get this weight off.

Anywho, so now what I'm doing is a 72 hour fast. I want to say that I'm setting myself up for failure since I've never really done a fast to this extent. I really started yesterday and was doing so well. 9 hours of only liquids but then I made myself a salad at dinner...and a pasta bowl....and had a TON of potato chips. Ick....

So much for that. I felt like shit but I'm strengthened my resolve and I'm determined to do this. Just today, tomorrow and Friday. I can do this. I know I can.

I've tied a red string around my finger to wear along with my rings as a reminder. I had some red thread around my wrist to do the same thing but since I'm always in long sleeves, I never see it soooo it's pointless.
I know I have the self control, I just seem to have been ignoring it lately. Which is horrible. Because once again, I KNOW I can do this since I've done this before. WTF.....
I'll update at the end of the day, let you know how it went. I'll be thinking of all of you to keep me in check.


Monday, March 8, 2010

The Week to Start It All

So I'm back on ABC. I decided that for every day that I don't stay under, I have to repeat it. So far, I've done the 500 day 3 times....fuck. I've also decided to give myself a leeway of 100 cals.
But now i'm on day 3, which is under 400 cals. Which I've already gone over.

But the rest of the day, as well as the week [fingers crossed], should be good and easy-ish.
I haven't had lunch and I'm planning on not having dinner. Now that I'm not going to be hanging out at my bf's as much, which is LOADED with junk food, I should be fine.

This is the first full week of classes for me and I'm diving right in. This is also my last semester before I graduate, which is a scary but exciting thought. So I need to stay focused on school and go out with a grade-wise bang. So far so good. I think it'll also help keep me away from thinking about food and that I should be eating something. That's what usually gets me- thinking "Oh, it's about lunch time, I should eat something". But usually it's not just 'something', it's a lot of things. But this is the week to change and focus and I will do better. I will do great.

Also, now that the weather isn't shitty anymore I'm more inclined to walk across campus to the gym. And hopefully it will get nicer out so that I can go running and hiking outside.
Hearing that many of you are doing well is giving me motivation to do well too. Aaaaand we can all to well together!! And then we'll be the gorgeous thin girls that everyone will envy and sigh over. yup.

Just wait, we'll make their jaws drop in awe.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

bday part 3

So today is try number 3 at a fun birthday. My actual birthday on tuesday sucked. Yesterday was fun when I went out with my friends for dinner, then sucked again when I hung out with my boyfriend. Today I'm driving to Boston to hang out with my other 2 friends to see a band. I KNOW it's gonna be awesome because I always have a good time with them. So tonight will probably be counted as the bday party. Then tomorrow I'm driving home to hang out with the family for 2 days while packing to report back to school on Sunday.


I'm so sick of school. That's mostly the reason I've been so depressed because of how the some of the staff have been treating me. Pretty much the entire time I was on the ship I was constantly told that I pretty much sucked at my job, that I was doing everything wrong. Then ON MY BIRTHDAY when I reported to help clean the ship and whatnot, the same commander that was giving me shit pretty much went on this tangent in front of 2 other LTs about how I'm a "bad chick" and a troublemaker when I did jack shit on the ship and I'm a freaking hermit when I'm at school.

Fucking asshole. I just walked away, I was getting so pissed off. And the fact that he was like that now that we're back at school just shows me what he's going to be like when school actually starts up again. Especially since he's my company officer. FML.

Any who, I'm just so tired of constantly feeling like I want to cry. So tonight is fun only. yup.
Ana-wise, I've been doing pretty well. I've been exercising every morning and eating minimally. Yay!
I'm still terrified to weigh myself so I'm glad that I don't have a scale to weigh myself with. I took my measurements and surprisingly they have changed much since the last time I took them, which was like 2 months ago. Now it's just time to make them even smaller.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Fit Day and Bday

Well I'm back at school on the bday for offloading. Which for means sitting inside and working on the school website. At least it's heated.

So far so good. I had a bit of an apple this morning for breakfast [about 55] but then I had 2 cookies around 9 cuz it's Bonnie's bday too so she brought in a tray. So together it was about 92, with a grand total of 147 for the day so far.

Not bad. I'm using this site called and it's awesome. Tonight me and matty are probably going to get sushi for my bday dinner. But they have a nigiri plate that's only about 300 or so cals so I can at least keep my intake around 500 today. Nice.

I still want to fast. I'm still planning on it but I feel like I'm just aiming for failure by choosing to do it the week of my birthday. You know, when EVERYONE wants to take me out for lunch or dinner and bake me things. ick. The only one I'm okay with is sushi because I love it and depending on what you get, it's relatively low cal.

But school will be starting on Sunday and then I'll be on my own again. It'll definitely be easier to fast/restrict once I'm back there.

Again....I CAN DO THIS. I must and I will.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Today was supposed to be the first official day of  my fast....I fucked that up. I was doing pretty well during the day but then my bf's mom made pasta for us and things just went down hill from there.

But tomorrow I'm going to do it. I'm not going to eat all day. At the very least until dinnertime. Matty might take me out for sushi for my birthday [yay! 22!] but I know a dish that's like 300 cals that's relatively safe.

I can do this. I joined a group fast too so I need to do this. I've just been sitting and looking at thinspo, catching up on blogs and forums. And all I can think is "How did I let this happen?" I was fucking 107 at the beginning of January. And now I'm a fatass at 120. I might be more than that but I'm too scared to get on the scale. Maybe in a week.

But I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm so ashamed of myself and every single movement I make just makes me sick. All I can feel is this fat on me and I look down and that's all I see. Sickening.

But that will change soon enough. I got new diet pills today and now that I have this back, I can do it.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

FML and more

Ok.....well I've been pretty depressed the last month or so. I just got off of my ship today and guess what.
I gained EVERYTHING back..
What the fuck.

Well...I'm changing that. I've started fasting today. I'm trying not to put too many limits or timelines on it. I'm just not going to eat unless I absolutely have to, like with other people, and ONLY after I've tried to get around it first.

I know I can lose all of this and get back down around 110 at the least in a month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I NEED to do it again.

I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone as te ship was coming down the canal. I mentioned that I'd probably have to take another shower once I got to his house so I won't smell like the ship. He asked if he'd be invited too. I laughed and said of course but at the same time I almost had a panic attack. I started freaking out. What would he say when he saw me? How disgusted would he be? Questions just running through my head and they all just made me more disgusted with myself.

Of course, I still look the same to everyone else. I'm still "skinnny". But I'm not. Not to me. I'm a fat cow who couldn't control herself around peanut butter and bread.

Fuck....I will do this. I will be skinnier. I will be prettier. I can do this.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

So Close!!

Woke up this morning and the scale gave me back an awesome number:  107!!
That's the lowest I've ever weighed and now I'm only 2 lbs away from my goal! I did a little dance in just  my panties in the bathroom.

Now it's just one more day before we set sail and I'm so excited. I can't wait to get out of the New England cold and under some warm Caribbean sun. I'm so tired of all this snow.
I just wanted to do a quick update cuz I need to leave now to do a presentation to the freshmen coming on.

Stay strong, think thin, and be beautiful girls!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

OK not goodbye yet, but soon!

Wake-up weight this morning:: 110
It's good but still sucks because I was down to 108. But I got back down to 110 pretty quickly, just within this past week sooooo I'm trying to keep in mind that I can get down more fairly easy if I keep it up.

The ship's pretty much packed and now we're mostly running boat drills and whatnot for when the Coast Guard comes for our final drill before we leave on Sunday.
I've been running around taking pictures and working on the site for my school, so I've been busy. But it's kinda awesome because I get to do something I love but I'll be able to restrict like crazy and I'm really hoping to drop like 10 lbs by the time I come back.

That's me on the left in front of our ship

And on the right lol

I'm gonna go crazy not being able to come on here and read everyone's blogs and going on the forums on Doll Parts. I'm gonna miss my girlies!!! You guys are all like a second family to me and the only ones that understand what I'm going through with Ana and all that. It's definitely gonna be a bit tough not having that understanding and support the next 6 weeks but hopefully I'll be able to stay on track and give some good updates when I have the time [and the internet!]

Once again, I will miss you all and hope you all are well while I'm gone!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Goodbye For a Bit

I'm all moved onto the ship now. Everything is unpacked and I've started my job taking pictures and updating the ship's blog [ha! how fitting]
So far so good. The bed I'm sleeping on is HORRENDOUS!! My back hurts so much today from last night. Thank god I brought my tempurpedic pad. It will most definitely be a godsend these next 60ish days.

I started ABC officially today. So far I've had a bottle of water with 2 tbsps of apple cider vinegar and a tiny apple (~50) and a small crab rangoon. (~5). So far so good.
I did some errands to pick up some stuff that I still need and came here to my boyfriend's house to chill out, since there's nothing else for me to do. I was hoping that I'd be alone so that I wouldn't be fed anything, and so that I could just have some quiet time to myself. But his mom's here and is offering me half of a italian sub. I might accept because I'm not planning on eating dinner anyway, probably just another apple. But it still bothers me because I feel like someone is making me eat.

Oh yah.....I got back up to 114. Fuck cinnamon spice crumb cake, all forms of bread, and candy. I was down to 108 and gained 7 lbs back. Gross. I can just feel all of it on me. But I'm determined to get back to 108 pretty quickly. And I've decided that once I hit 105, I'll let myself get a tattoo. I've been absolutely itching to get the OM tattooed on the back of my neck. And if I only allow myself to get it once I hit 105, I can totally reach that goal.

Other than that not much is happening. Everyone else is coming tomorrow and then to real onloading of all the food and whatnot starts. Thankfully, I won't have to do to much since my job is just to take pictures :D Yay, no cold and snow for me!!!

I have no internet on the ship which is awful, even tied up next to the school. And once we leave I really won't have any internet. I feel a bit lost knowing that I can't write on here and that I won't be able to follow all of you girls!! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I really will miss all of you and reading about you're lives [as creepy as that sounds lol].
Good luck with everything while I'm gone, stay strong, think thin, we will all be beautiful!!!
Feel free to do ABC with me, even though I won't be able to update, it'd be nice to know that someone else is doing it too!!