bday part 3

So today is try number 3 at a fun birthday. My actual birthday on tuesday sucked. Yesterday was fun when I went out with my friends for dinner, then sucked again when I hung out with my boyfriend. Today I'm driving to Boston to hang out with my other 2 friends to see a band. I KNOW it's gonna be awesome because I always have a good time with them. So tonight will probably be counted as the bday party. Then tomorrow I'm driving home to hang out with the family for 2 days while packing to report back to school on Sunday.

Ick.

I'm so sick of school. That's mostly the reason I've been so depressed because of how the some of the staff have been treating me. Pretty much the entire time I was on the ship I was constantly told that I pretty much sucked at my job, that I was doing everything wrong. Then ON MY BIRTHDAY when I reported to help clean the ship and whatnot, the same commander that was giving me shit pretty much went on this tangent in front of 2 other LTs about how I'm a "bad chick" and a troublemaker when I did jack shit on the ship and I'm a freaking hermit when I'm at school.

Fucking asshole. I just walked away, I was getting so pissed off. And the fact that he was like that now that we're back at school just shows me what he's going to be like when school actually starts up again. Especially since he's my company officer. FML.

Any who, I'm just so tired of constantly feeling like I want to cry. So tonight is fun only. yup.
Ana-wise, I've been doing pretty well. I've been exercising every morning and eating minimally. Yay!
I'm still terrified to weigh myself so I'm glad that I don't have a scale to weigh myself with. I took my measurements and surprisingly they have changed much since the last time I took them, which was like 2 months ago. Now it's just time to make them even smaller.

Fit Day and Bday

Well I'm back at school on the bday for offloading. Which for means sitting inside and working on the school website. At least it's heated.

So far so good. I had a bit of an apple this morning for breakfast [about 55] but then I had 2 cookies around 9 cuz it's Bonnie's bday too so she brought in a tray. So together it was about 92, with a grand total of 147 for the day so far.

Not bad. I'm using this site called FitDay.com and it's awesome. Tonight me and matty are probably going to get sushi for my bday dinner. But they have a nigiri plate that's only about 300 or so cals so I can at least keep my intake around 500 today. Nice.

I still want to fast. I'm still planning on it but I feel like I'm just aiming for failure by choosing to do it the week of my birthday. You know, when EVERYONE wants to take me out for lunch or dinner and bake me things. ick. The only one I'm okay with is sushi because I love it and depending on what you get, it's relatively low cal.

But school will be starting on Sunday and then I'll be on my own again. It'll definitely be easier to fast/restrict once I'm back there.

Again....I CAN DO THIS. I must and I will.

Today was supposed to be the first official day of  my fast....I fucked that up. I was doing pretty well during the day but then my bf's mom made pasta for us and things just went down hill from there.

But tomorrow I'm going to do it. I'm not going to eat all day. At the very least until dinnertime. Matty might take me out for sushi for my birthday [yay! 22!] but I know a dish that's like 300 cals that's relatively safe.

I can do this. I joined a group fast too so I need to do this. I've just been sitting and looking at thinspo, catching up on blogs and forums. And all I can think is "How did I let this happen?" I was fucking 107 at the beginning of January. And now I'm a fatass at 120. I might be more than that but I'm too scared to get on the scale. Maybe in a week.

But I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm so ashamed of myself and every single movement I make just makes me sick. All I can feel is this fat on me and I look down and that's all I see. Sickening.

But that will change soon enough. I got new diet pills today and now that I have this back, I can do it.

FML and more

Ok.....well I've been pretty depressed the last month or so. I just got off of my ship today and guess what.
I gained EVERYTHING back..
What the fuck.

Well...I'm changing that. I've started fasting today. I'm trying not to put too many limits or timelines on it. I'm just not going to eat unless I absolutely have to, like with other people, and ONLY after I've tried to get around it first.

I know I can lose all of this and get back down around 110 at the least in a month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I NEED to do it again.

I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone as te ship was coming down the canal. I mentioned that I'd probably have to take another shower once I got to his house so I won't smell like the ship. He asked if he'd be invited too. I laughed and said of course but at the same time I almost had a panic attack. I started freaking out. What would he say when he saw me? How disgusted would he be? Questions just running through my head and they all just made me more disgusted with myself.

Of course, I still look the same to everyone else. I'm still "skinnny". But I'm not. Not to me. I'm a fat cow who couldn't control herself around peanut butter and bread.

Fuck....I will do this. I will be skinnier. I will be prettier. I can do this.