bday part 3

So today is try number 3 at a fun birthday. My actual birthday on tuesday sucked. Yesterday was fun when I went out with my friends for dinner, then sucked again when I hung out with my boyfriend. Today I'm driving to Boston to hang out with my other 2 friends to see a band. I KNOW it's gonna be awesome because I always have a good time with them. So tonight will probably be counted as the bday party. Then tomorrow I'm driving home to hang out with the family for 2 days while packing to report back to school on Sunday.

Ick.

I'm so sick of school. That's mostly the reason I've been so depressed because of how the some of the staff have been treating me. Pretty much the entire time I was on the ship I was constantly told that I pretty much sucked at my job, that I was doing everything wrong. Then ON MY BIRTHDAY when I reported to help clean the ship and whatnot, the same commander that was giving me shit pretty much went on this tangent in front of 2 other LTs about how I'm a "bad chick" and a troublemaker when I did jack shit on the ship and I'm a freaking hermit when I'm at school.

Fucking asshole. I just walked away, I was getting so pissed off. And the fact that he was like that now that we're back at school just shows me what he's going to be like when school actually starts up again. Especially since he's my company officer. FML.

Any who, I'm just so tired of constantly feeling like I want to cry. So tonight is fun only. yup.
Ana-wise, I've been doing pretty well. I've been exercising every morning and eating minimally. Yay!
I'm still terrified to weigh myself so I'm glad that I don't have a scale to weigh myself with. I took my measurements and surprisingly they have changed much since the last time I took them, which was like 2 months ago. Now it's just time to make them even smaller.

Fit Day and Bday

Well I'm back at school on the bday for offloading. Which for means sitting inside and working on the school website. At least it's heated.

So far so good. I had a bit of an apple this morning for breakfast [about 55] but then I had 2 cookies around 9 cuz it's Bonnie's bday too so she brought in a tray. So together it was about 92, with a grand total of 147 for the day so far.

Not bad. I'm using this site called FitDay.com and it's awesome. Tonight me and matty are probably going to get sushi for my bday dinner. But they have a nigiri plate that's only about 300 or so cals so I can at least keep my intake around 500 today. Nice.

I still want to fast. I'm still planning on it but I feel like I'm just aiming for failure by choosing to do it the week of my birthday. You know, when EVERYONE wants to take me out for lunch or dinner and bake me things. ick. The only one I'm okay with is sushi because I love it and depending on what you get, it's relatively low cal.

But school will be starting on Sunday and then I'll be on my own again. It'll definitely be easier to fast/restrict once I'm back there.

Again....I CAN DO THIS. I must and I will.

Today was supposed to be the first official day of  my fast....I fucked that up. I was doing pretty well during the day but then my bf's mom made pasta for us and things just went down hill from there.

But tomorrow I'm going to do it. I'm not going to eat all day. At the very least until dinnertime. Matty might take me out for sushi for my birthday [yay! 22!] but I know a dish that's like 300 cals that's relatively safe.

I can do this. I joined a group fast too so I need to do this. I've just been sitting and looking at thinspo, catching up on blogs and forums. And all I can think is "How did I let this happen?" I was fucking 107 at the beginning of January. And now I'm a fatass at 120. I might be more than that but I'm too scared to get on the scale. Maybe in a week.

But I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm so ashamed of myself and every single movement I make just makes me sick. All I can feel is this fat on me and I look down and that's all I see. Sickening.

But that will change soon enough. I got new diet pills today and now that I have this back, I can do it.

FML and more

Ok.....well I've been pretty depressed the last month or so. I just got off of my ship today and guess what.
I gained EVERYTHING back..
What the fuck.

Well...I'm changing that. I've started fasting today. I'm trying not to put too many limits or timelines on it. I'm just not going to eat unless I absolutely have to, like with other people, and ONLY after I've tried to get around it first.

I know I can lose all of this and get back down around 110 at the least in a month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I NEED to do it again.

I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone as te ship was coming down the canal. I mentioned that I'd probably have to take another shower once I got to his house so I won't smell like the ship. He asked if he'd be invited too. I laughed and said of course but at the same time I almost had a panic attack. I started freaking out. What would he say when he saw me? How disgusted would he be? Questions just running through my head and they all just made me more disgusted with myself.

Of course, I still look the same to everyone else. I'm still "skinnny". But I'm not. Not to me. I'm a fat cow who couldn't control herself around peanut butter and bread.

Fuck....I will do this. I will be skinnier. I will be prettier. I can do this.

So Close!!

Woke up this morning and the scale gave me back an awesome number:  107!!
That's the lowest I've ever weighed and now I'm only 2 lbs away from my goal! I did a little dance in just  my panties in the bathroom.

Now it's just one more day before we set sail and I'm so excited. I can't wait to get out of the New England cold and under some warm Caribbean sun. I'm so tired of all this snow.
I just wanted to do a quick update cuz I need to leave now to do a presentation to the freshmen coming on.

Stay strong, think thin, and be beautiful girls!!
xo

OK not goodbye yet, but soon!

Wake-up weight this morning:: 110
It's good but still sucks because I was down to 108. But I got back down to 110 pretty quickly, just within this past week sooooo I'm trying to keep in mind that I can get down more fairly easy if I keep it up.

The ship's pretty much packed and now we're mostly running boat drills and whatnot for when the Coast Guard comes for our final drill before we leave on Sunday.
I've been running around taking pictures and working on the site for my school, so I've been busy. But it's kinda awesome because I get to do something I love but I'll be able to restrict like crazy and I'm really hoping to drop like 10 lbs by the time I come back.

That's me on the left in front of our ship

And on the right lol

I'm gonna go crazy not being able to come on here and read everyone's blogs and going on the forums on Doll Parts. I'm gonna miss my girlies!!! You guys are all like a second family to me and the only ones that understand what I'm going through with Ana and all that. It's definitely gonna be a bit tough not having that understanding and support the next 6 weeks but hopefully I'll be able to stay on track and give some good updates when I have the time [and the internet!]

Once again, I will miss you all and hope you all are well while I'm gone!!

Goodbye For a Bit

I'm all moved onto the ship now. Everything is unpacked and I've started my job taking pictures and updating the ship's blog [ha! how fitting]
So far so good. The bed I'm sleeping on is HORRENDOUS!! My back hurts so much today from last night. Thank god I brought my tempurpedic pad. It will most definitely be a godsend these next 60ish days.

I started ABC officially today. So far I've had a bottle of water with 2 tbsps of apple cider vinegar and a tiny apple (~50) and a small crab rangoon. (~5). So far so good.
I did some errands to pick up some stuff that I still need and came here to my boyfriend's house to chill out, since there's nothing else for me to do. I was hoping that I'd be alone so that I wouldn't be fed anything, and so that I could just have some quiet time to myself. But his mom's here and is offering me half of a italian sub. I might accept because I'm not planning on eating dinner anyway, probably just another apple. But it still bothers me because I feel like someone is making me eat.

Oh yah.....I got back up to 114. Fuck cinnamon spice crumb cake, all forms of bread, and candy. I was down to 108 and gained 7 lbs back. Gross. I can just feel all of it on me. But I'm determined to get back to 108 pretty quickly. And I've decided that once I hit 105, I'll let myself get a tattoo. I've been absolutely itching to get the OM tattooed on the back of my neck. And if I only allow myself to get it once I hit 105, I can totally reach that goal.

Other than that not much is happening. Everyone else is coming tomorrow and then to real onloading of all the food and whatnot starts. Thankfully, I won't have to do to much since my job is just to take pictures :D Yay, no cold and snow for me!!!

I have no internet on the ship which is awful, even tied up next to the school. And once we leave I really won't have any internet. I feel a bit lost knowing that I can't write on here and that I won't be able to follow all of you girls!! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I really will miss all of you and reading about you're lives [as creepy as that sounds lol].

Good luck with everything while I'm gone, stay strong, think thin, we will all be beautiful!!!

Feel free to do ABC with me, even though I won't be able to update, it'd be nice to know that someone else is doing it too!!