Thursday, April 1, 2010

I am so miserable. Pretty much sums up the vast amount of things running through my head and how they're making me feel.
I had to go see one of my professors to make up a test I missed last week cuz of a doc appointment. It was oral and since he is Polish with the worst accent and on semblance of sentence structure, I had no idea what the hell he was trying to ask me. Summary: I totally fucked it up and was told that I pretty much suck, don't understand the material, and he doesn't understand how I don't. Along the lines of "What the hell are you doing here? How are you possible a graduating senior?" I wanted to burst into tears right there but I kept my composure.
Some of it is just me. I honestly can't process anything, I'm just so empty and I can't focus. Mostly just when people are talking to me. If no one talks to me and asks me questions, I'm ok.

And it sucks because I'm on the verge of tears again, and all I want is to see my boyfriend and him just hold me while I cry and tell me everything's going to be fine.
But I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or parents about it. I'm afraid to talk to my bf about it. So here I am, just stuck in this state of perpetual misery and loneliness. I can't do this anymore or it's going to crush me for good.
I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

Again only upside is that I barely eat, if at all. I just have no desire or motivation to eat. I actually felt skinny this morning, which brought a half smile to my face.