Thursday, December 31, 2009

Shippin' Out

So my loveys, it's a new year, new blog-look, new.....things. lol
Right now my parents are out at some restaurant with my aunt and uncle. I'm at home with my lil brother and cousin, kicking their butts as Wii Mario Party. Haha so eventful. But I really don't feel like going out and getting shitfaced or high, I don't feel like being out on the town since it's freezing out, and my boyfriend's in Colorado.

So my awesome New Year's party is eating homemade pizza [3 slices] and drinking water and Diet Coke while playing video games with teenagers. haha I'm having fun so who cares.

Weight this morning was AWFUL. I have gained and am now around 112. FML
But I'm starting ABC tomorrow with some other lovely ladies and then I'm leaving the next morning to go onto my ship.

Soooo expect me to come home in 2 months looking fabulous and at least 10 lbs lighter!! I'm so excited to be shipping out because it's like a clean start for me to get my shit together food wise, I'll have a lot of time to just focus on it and getting thin. It'll be amazing.

Only down side is that I'll have no internet and won't be able to come on here, or Doll Parts or Skinny Doll [now that PT is gone] So I won't be able to go to you girls for support and help!!! I'm gonna miss you all and I'm gonna try to keep a mini journal and take progress photos while I'm out.
You're all so wonderful and I really am going to miss all of you!!!

Please make sure no other sites close down while I'm gone!! lol

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Cellphones and Buddha Beads

Holy shit, 22 followers. That's kinda cool that people actually find what I write interesting. lol not to sound conceded or anything. I don't think what I write is all that fascinating, but it's kinda nice to know that someone else is taking a moment to read my thoughts.
Anywho...weight this morning was 110. ick.....I'm sure it's higher now, after the crap I just ate. I can't wait to get on the ship. I'll barely eat cuz the food is awful, so it'll be easier to restrict aaaand all I can think about it is all the weight I'm going to lose.

I've started to really get into meditation and Buddhism. It's a really great distraction, especially the meditation. I have a few malas that I made and meditate with. I bought a bunch of beads today and I'm gonna get some more tomorrow to make more while I'm on the ship.

I feel like becoming more centered and disciplined will help me keep in control.  Help me be more in control and strong. I don't know, like I said, it's a good distraction.

I'm also having boyfriend mini-drama. Apparently I'm "treating him like an asshole" and we're in a "one-way relationship because I only talk to him when I feel like it".
Translation: he's getting pissy because I don't text/call more often during the day. Really? I'm sorry that I'm pretty much consumed by Ana, I just found out my dad has prostate cancer, my grandma's back in the hospital. When I have the time to just sit on the couch and do nothing, think about nothing, I like to take advantage of it.  Whatever. I'll be leaving soon for 6 weeks and I won't be able to call/text/whatever.

I don't know...I just feel stressed. And I feel like it's so stupid to say.....but if I was at least around 105, I'd feel a bit better.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Surprise Spaghetti

So today was supposed to be a fast day and what do you know, I find out that my aunt and uncle are coming over for dinner with homemade spaghetti and meatballs. And lots of breads. And whatnot.
Dinner was super tastey but I felt so gross afterwards.

I'm going to fast tomorrow. Hopefully I can get away with it cuz my mom has the day off. I have some errands I need to run before I leave to go to the ship, so at least that will kill some time. I'm also supposed to go get drinks with my friend from high school tomorrow night. She mentioned today about maybe getting dinner. I said oh we'll see. Hopefully no dinner but maybe if I just get a salad I'll be ok. Definitely don't want a fainting repeat.

I'm just happy that all extended family is gone which means no more huge dinners. Back to scrounging for ourselves which is fine by me.

Night ladies! Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!

Her neck is so gorgeous

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Holiday Foods Galore

So today was the last day of big family dinners. While all were amazingly delicious, I felt awful during and after each one. I did pretty well on not binging but I've been putting so much junk in my body. There are like sooo many fucking desserts in my house right now.

Tonight my dad made a pot roast with peas, mashed potatoes and cooked carrots. Not a bad meal, pretty healthy. I had a small plate and was proud of myself, didn't finish it all an whatnot. But afterwards I had 2 slices of pecan spice cake and took a couple fork fulls from the cake itself. Gross.
After eating 'normally' the past few days it's like I can't stop. Thank god I haven't binged but still....I feel beyond awful and so sick.

I started a new bottle of diet pills...I think it's a Stacker 3 product. I can't remember. So far so good. Hope these work out.

I weighed myself this morning, 109.4.
Weighed myself again after dinner.... fucking 111.7. What the fuck.
I'm fasting for 3 days so I can get this crap out of my body and clean it out.

Well it's time for bed now. Hope you all had a lovely holiday.

Friday, December 25, 2009


So tonight was the 2nd family dinner and there's gonna be another one tonight, I think.

I've been trying to take small portions and not gorge myself on baked goods. Right now I'm just fluctuating between 108 and 109. I was 109.4 this morning and I haven't weighed myself again yet. I guess this is't too bad...especially since I got so many "Look how skinny you are!!" as well as "Ohmigod, you're way too skinny! Are you losing weight???"

My mom actually questioned me about my weight this afternoon, saying that I'm too skinny and if I'm losing, I need to stop. Whatever. I just laughed and said that I'm still around 115.

These past couple days, especially today, I've just kept telling myself that I'll be on the ship soon and I'll have 2 months of shitty food I won't even want to look at. And then I imagine all the weight I will be able to lose and I calm down a bit.

But still, I need to get this nasty, gross fat off me!!! And all this food [like a cinnamon spice crumb cake or a peanut butter pie] definitely isn't helping and I have a completely freakout in my head after I eat it.
I've actually thrown up a bit in my mouth by reflex and partly from panicking about all the calories and shit.

One more more day..... Then it's New Years but we don't do dinner, just hor d'ourves and booze.

Hope you girls are doing well, keep it up, we can get past this!!! Just a few more days and we'll be free of massive amounts of food! lol
Love you all, xo

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

And Down She Goes!!!

Yesterday I went to Somerset to visit my friend from school. We smoked up a bit while doing some Christmas shopping for his family. We get to this jewelry boutique kinda place to get his mom a new Pandora charm for her bracelet. I started to kinda feel like I was getting the spins, I figured it was just cuz I smoked on a very empty stomach. I'm trying to get this lady's attention and all of a sudden I'm on the floor. 

I totally fainted from not eating all day!!! In a store full of crazy yuppie white women! 

My friend Matt started to get me up, these women are freaking out, saying I'm having a seizure. He mentioned something about outside and I, in my complete foggy logic, decide yes this is a good idea. But instead of waiting for him to help me, I stumble for the door.
Apparently he caught me just in time before I went head first and took out a display full of little glass things that cost hundreds of dollars.

He finally got me to the car and as soon as I sat down, totally normal. I felt absolutely fine. But we were stalked by these two crazy ladies who would not let us leave, called the fucking ambulance!!

ugh I couldn't believe it. I kept telling them I was fine, I just hadn't eaten, no big deal. But those damn women would not let us leave. So the ambulance shows up, they take my blood sugar and it's totally fine and in normal ranges. So they let me go.

Talk about a crazy fuckin day. Over course, I never heard the end of it from my friend Matt all day. lol
Oh man....I guess I need to be more careful about fasting.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Keep On Runnin'

So I had to eat something for dinner with my family because it was so much later than after I said I had eaten that  the rents wouldn't believe me.
So I made myself a grilled cheese on pita bread- pita (60), cheese (45) and 2 small slices of ham (~15) - a relatively low-cal healthy meal. But I ended up having two 100 cal cookies and some crackers. I felt so disgusting, even though I didn't binge and was under my cal count.

And then I had to sit and watch a movie with my family even though I wanted to run downstairs so badly and run on the treadmill. I thought about purging, but I didn't eat a ton of bad food and I'm trying to stop anyhow.

So I sat on the couch....for almost 2 hours thinking about this shit sitting in my stomach that really shouldn't be there. Once 10:00 hit and everyone went to bed, I booked it downstairs and ran for an hour.

According to the treadmill I burned over 300 cals, but this calories-burned counter I use says that I burned almost 430 cals. Either way that's good but I wish I knew the exact number.

Anyhow I feel so much better. I haven't ran in so long, it feels so great. So I'm waking up a bit earlier than usual so I can run again. I'm hoping to do another hour but I need to still have enough time to get all my other chores done and take a shower. Oh! And figure out what I'm wearing tomorrow night.

Actually I'm still pretty jazzed up from running so I might do that now before bed. Which means that there will be clothes all over the floor in my room after I just cleaned it up. haha oh well

Goodnight ladies!!! Hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow if I don't write!

btw I totally heart Lady Gaga

Just Another Day

Day 2 of the competition I'm in and everything's still going well! yay!
I'm still trying to mostly fast but so far that also includes eating once teeny meal [which would really be considered a snack]. Someday I'll be able to do a total fast.

Today I've only had 6 triscuits, 4 slices of cheese, and an apple. About 200 cals. Even though it was small and I didn't eat that much, I still felt really gross. So after digesting, I went and exercised. 400 cals burned yay again!
Now, I'm hoping that I'll be able to skip dinner. I think my mom might be getting a bit suspicious. I'm just going to tell her that I ate earlier because I'm still used to eating around 5pm instead of between 6 and 7 when she gets home.
We'll see how that goes.

I'm wicked pumped cuz I'm gonna get to hanging out with my best friend tomorrow and then we're gonna go dancing in Providence!! Can't wait to actually hang out with someone after a week of just sitting around by myself.

Not too much else is happening....the usual getting the house ready for guests and whatnot.
Hope your lives are a bit more exciting than mine!!!

Good luck, my chickies! Stay strong!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Another Day Down

Today's been a good day. :) I've been busy all day: cleaning my room, unpacking my car, fiddled with my computer, exercised for an hour while watching a movie. Then I took a shower and here I am!

I ate a small banana this morning to go with multivitamin and my diet pill. And just now I had a Cottage Doubles which I decided is one of the best things ever. It's lowfat cottage cheese and it has a small side of a fruit jelly kind of thing. All for 120-140 cals, depending on which fruit you have. I just had a peach one and it's so tastey, plus I'm getting some calcium and protein. Yay! My stomach was hurting so bad so I needed to put something in it.

So my total for today is 130 + 70 = 200!!! awesome! 
And I burned about 470 cals today too! :D So excited.

Tomorrow's plan is to organize all the things I unpacked from my car and then repack what I need for Sea Term. And then I need to do some more what else.....Probably exercise some more.

Hope all is well. Love you all, you're my strength and inspiration!
Keep it up and stay strong

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dust, 409, and more cleaning

So far today's been pretty good, I've only had 3 chocolate raisins and 1 chocolate almond. Just to get my sugar up. Other than that, only liquids!!! yay :D

I've been doing house work stuff all day, the bathroom is almost done-ish. Just needs some paint and we need to hang up the mirror. I cleaned up the living room and the kitchen but people keep bringing more shit into them soooo that was slightly pointless.

The Christmas tree is up, I have presents for everyone, except my bf Matty which definitely isn't good. What else.....well not too much. At this point it's alot of cleaning of the house and whatnot. Which is good, that'll keep me busy and not eating.

I'm going out dancing Wed night in Providence. Club Hell if anyone is interested!!! lol
I'm hoping to hang out with my friend during the day, try some mushrooms which I'm pretty excited about. No munchies! :D

There was talk about pizza for dinner...god I hope not. Fucking gross. Maybe I can convince them otherwise.
Today's a 400 day for ABC but I still don't want to go anywhere close to that.

Hmm....well I hope everyone is having a good holiday week, getting ready for Xmas and all that. Stay strong, we're better than all that junky food. And we definitely can have a great time Thurs and Fri not eating as much as everyone else. [They'll all be too drunk to notice anyway haha]

RIP, lovely <3

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So far....okay.

So my wake up weight..........109!!!! I can't believe it! And it's stayed pretty constant throughout the day :D
But what sucks tis that the more I think about it and keep checking what the scale says, the more I think that this is an unacceptable number. And I still look gross and fat!!

[sigh] soon enough, soon enough. I'm hoping to hit my next goal weight by Xmas, or at least get closer. I'm pretty sure if I work at it, I can lose 4 lbs. mhm

I ate a bit much at dinner tonight, because once again, I had to eat with the fam. Fuck.
Tomorrow is another family day kinda thing. Hopefully we'll be so busy cleaning and redoing the bathroom that no one will notice if I don't eat.

Hope all of you are doing well. Lose those lbs and get gorgeous!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Day 1 of an Awesome Fast

Alright. So today is the first day of a fast I'm doing until Xmas Eve.
I'm so excited for this. I had to eat dinner with my dad and brother, thankfully my mom is at a Christmas party for work. I had 1/2 a bowl of soup, with 4 crackers and 1 slice of swiss. Only thing I've eaten all day and under 200 cals!! Hurray!

I'm pretty sure my parents will busy all day tomorrow redoing the bathroom, so they won't be keeping that much of an eye on me. I'm gonna try to be busy all day too, go out or something so I'm not at the house either. I told my brother that I'd take him to a movie, so that should kill like 3 hours.

I really want to do this fast right and complete it all the way through. I know I can do this. I just need to focus and not let temptation or anything of that sort get in my way. I probably could have gotten away with not eating anything tonight....I probably should've since I felt like shit afterwards anyway. But my dad made it and sat with me so I felt like I had to or else there would be questions I didn't want to answer.

So that's the day so far. I can't wait for tomorrow. I'll sleep in till 11 or so, that's about when my brother gets home, go to the 1:00 showing of Avatar, walk around the shopping center for as long as we can. Get him something to go if he gets hungry, just take our time going home.
Actually, I mentioned to my brother that I'm trying a "green fast" where I only eat fruits and veggies, and he was actually interested! I told him that I didn't need to do it but that I just wanted to see if I could do it, just for the weekend. Awesome! He actually thought it was a good idea and is thinking about trying it with me haha

Oh well, I guess that's kinda of good. At least I don't have to worry about him saying anything to my parents.

Good night, my lovelies!!! Hope you all had a good day. Keep up the hard work, we'll all be the prettiest and thinnest of all!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Let's Fast, Bitches.

Ok so this is the plan until Dec. 24th::

I've decided that I'm going to be part of a competition on PT but I've also joined a community fast.  The plan is to fast with these lovely ladies until Dec. 24, which is perfect because that's the day of my huge family party but it doesn't really start  until that evening.

I'm so excited. And I know you all must be thinking "OK....we've heard that one before". But really I am, because a) it's a short timeline b) i'm doing it with a group aaaand c) I'm pretty much all by myself, all day so I can do whatever I want without anyone bothering or questioning me.

I'm just so tired of binging and purging constantly. It's getting really bad, to where I'm forcing myself to throw up 3 to 4 times a day, sometimes more. And I can tell it's fucking up my teeth, they hurt so much now.

So there's the plan.
When I start to feel a craving or binge, I'm gonna get my ass out of the house and do some more errands. Or I'll finish trimming the dog, cleaning the house, emptying my car, packing my shit for sea term, run on the treadmill, go outside for a smoke.

That is one thing I'm a bit worried about. Smoking is such a bad habit but I've noticed it does work. So we'll see. I definitely can't let my parents know that I do because they'd absolutely murder me. My grandmother's been smoking since she was 20 and has been in and out of the hospital for lung cancer, breathing problems, you name it.

Anyhow. So that's it. The plan until Xmas Eve. It will work. positive, positive, positive. I will, I will, I will.
And I found some more amazing thinspo which always inspires me.

So today's supposed to be 100....

...And I'm a disgusting fatass who definitely ate more than 100 cals today. WTF. 

Weight so far is 112. Yah it's good and lower than 113 but still.... it could be lower. SHOULD be lower. 
Fasting tomorrow until my mom comes home from work. I'm sure they're going to want to go out to eat or something. I'm gonna try to keep them home or stay home, tell them I already ate or something like that. We'll see. 

I don't know that the hell is wrong with me. When I fist did ABC, I did so well. I had pretty good will power but now I don't know where the fuck it went. I NEED to fix this, I need to lose this weight. Like I said, I'm going to try and fast for as long as possible. We'll see. 

[sigh] I hate this. It's really bumming me out, and I just want to cry. I feel like nothing I do works and I can't even stick with one damn thing. Tomorrow's 200 cals and I feel like even if I don't eat anything all day that I'll still fuck it up. 

I need to do this, I NEED TO. 

[sigh] I really hope you're all doing much better than I am. Keep it up girls. xo

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Aaaaand Day 3 **update**

So today is Day 3 of ABC....the first 2 days weren't so great. I mean, I started out doing well. And then it just all went to shit. But today will be better.

I have a huge final at 10:15 so I'll be studying that all morning. After that's done I'm going to my bf's house so we can go out to lunch. I'm pretty sure we're going to get sushi. This is all I'm going to have for the whole day. Easy way to stay under 300 cals and still get some yummy food. :D

I need to get my ass in gear with this. Sometimes I feel thin and think I look thinner but I want to be even thinner than that, because I know it's no where close to what I can be.

So there's my plan for the day. Hopefully I stick to it. No, I will stick to it. [think positive!]

So we went out for sushi and I had the nigiri special:
1 tuna roll, 6pc. (92)
1 salmon nigiri (50)
2 tuna nigiri (100)
3 yellowtail nigiri (125)

For a grand total of.....367!!! [btw I'm switched today and tomorrow so it's 400 cals max]
Awesome :D
And I have finals all day tomorrow then I'm going straight home. I can easily stay under 300 for dinner with the fam. hurrah!!

Hope all is well with you girls. Stay strong!! xo

Sunday, December 13, 2009


So I was pretty motivated yesterday, thinking I'm gonna try ABC again but really stick to it. I weighed myself last night....fucking thing said 118....

What. The. Fuck.

Weighed myself again this morning and it said 114.5. Still fucking sucks.

I know I can do this. I just haven't really been caring as much, which I should. I will, I am going to do this.  I'm starting today.
I've already had a bowl of cereal but my bf doesn't have any skim milk, just 2%. So I've definitely had about 200 cals or more already.

So my plan is to try and detox [not fast since I always screw up with that word]. and if I eat, it's going to be as little as possible and under the cal limit. Which is what we're trying to do anyway but saying it out loud makes it more concrete. I think.

[sigh] I need to do this. I'm so gross and disgusting. I need to be thinner, I must be beautiful and fragile and frail.
Soon I will. Soon we all will.