Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm so tired of feeling like this. And it's always when I feel like things might actually be turning around, like things are starting to get better when it hits me. It just sucks. I feel like I just can't be around other people, like I don't even know how to function socially. I freeze up and have this meltdown in my head.
Thursday's coming up fast. And everything possible is happening that day. it's awful. I have a midterm in my hardest class, a quiz right after that, a lab in the morning, then from 4 to 8 I'm helping out Matty's mom with her breast cancer fundraiser. Matty's coming home that day too and after the fundraiser I'm going to tell him that I need to know what we're doing. He either wants to continue and work at a relationship with me or he doesn't. I can't handle this in-between shit. I'm so mentally  and emotionally messed up from this and I can't go day to day wondering what's going to happen next. I know I should be strong and take control but when I do, shit falls apart anyway.
I still don't know what to do and I have no idea if I ever will.

I meant to start a liquid fast today but I ate less than 600 cals. I'm hoping to lose at least 5 to 10 lbs by june 19th which is my graduation. I'm gonna try to do a liquid fast for the rest of the week and keep it under 500 cals when i eat.

We'll see how everything goes. fuck i hate this