Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why is it that every single time I feel like things are finally getting better, it hits me in the face and I wind up, once again, in this spiraling depression? And of all things to do it, it's my boyfriend's bday. After everything that we've been through so far, I just wanted to do something special for him to show him that I love him and whatnot. But instead, when I show up to his house [after I told him I was coming] he's not there. From 5 until about 11 he's not there. "Enjoying the day" with his friends. I don't really understand how you enjoy the day inside of 5 bars.
I admit, it's partly my fault because I didn't call him when I finally got to his house. But he knows how long it take me to get there and he said he wouldn't be out that long.
And when he finally does show up, he beyond drunk and expects me to have sex with him. Coming from the guy who said the only thing I work hard at in this relationship is getting into his pants.
I really don't know how much longer this could last. And it sucks. There's a senior social next Friday and I bought tickets to it and he said he'd go with me. Of course, he was sure to remind me how much he hates everyone there. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?
And I feel like if I were to say something to him, that it would:
1) make things worse
2) he'd blame it on me, saying he's done nothing for me to be upset about and i'm the one obsessing over this
3)I really don't think that he'd try to fight for us. I really don't
4) I am so so SO scared that he's just going to go fuck around with as many girls as possible once I'm out of the picture

I'm so terrified of everything right now. I have so much going on and he's the only one that I truly need support from and I don't get it. I'm graduating in a month, I still haven't heard from the 30+ jobs I've applied for, I have no idea what to do with my life