Sunday, February 21, 2010

FML and more

Ok.....well I've been pretty depressed the last month or so. I just got off of my ship today and guess what.
I gained EVERYTHING back..
What the fuck.

Well...I'm changing that. I've started fasting today. I'm trying not to put too many limits or timelines on it. I'm just not going to eat unless I absolutely have to, like with other people, and ONLY after I've tried to get around it first.

I know I can lose all of this and get back down around 110 at the least in a month. I've done it before and I can do it again. I NEED to do it again.

I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone as te ship was coming down the canal. I mentioned that I'd probably have to take another shower once I got to his house so I won't smell like the ship. He asked if he'd be invited too. I laughed and said of course but at the same time I almost had a panic attack. I started freaking out. What would he say when he saw me? How disgusted would he be? Questions just running through my head and they all just made me more disgusted with myself.

Of course, I still look the same to everyone else. I'm still "skinnny". But I'm not. Not to me. I'm a fat cow who couldn't control herself around peanut butter and bread.

Fuck....I will do this. I will be skinnier. I will be prettier. I can do this.