Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lame ass drama

I still feel miserable and depressed. This is getting stupid now. All I want to do at this point is just see my boyfriend. I don't care if we talk about all this shit that's going on between us, I just want to see him and be with him. I have seen or really talked to him in a week. I just want things to be alright again.
I texted him today to see if we could hang out. I feel like I have to ask his permission to come over now, when I never had to. I wanted him to invite me over, maybe go out to dinner like we used to every Tuesday. But he never said anything inclining towards it. I asked if maybe he wanted to hangout but I never really got a definitive answer. So I just told him to call me when he's leaving the gym.
I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore, aside from depressed. I start thinking about him and us and I just want to start crying.
I've also come to the realization that I just want to drink all the time. I constantly get this urge to just start drinking until I can't feel anymore. But I don't follow through, mostly because all I can think of is how many calories is in liquor.
I tried cutting again after like 5 years. It did jack shit for me and made feel like a failure because I couldn't even get the cut to bleed like I wanted it to. So I haven't done that again nor do I really want to. It's begun to cross my mind more and more lately but that's about as far as it goes.
I just feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I'm just a failure. I know it's not true but still that's how  I feel.
Well, at least I haven't eaten anything all day. I've been sleeping in between classes when most of my friends go to lunch so that I have an excuse not to go. I'm working on avoiding dinner.
So far I've had nothing but water and a 50cal whey protein shake. I was actually willing and excited to go out to eat sushi tonight, mostly cuz I'd get to see my boyfriend but I'm not betting that it's going to happen. I least I'll be able put off dinner with my friends.
I get sick of bitching about all this. It seems so self-centered and annoying. I hate coming across as that because I'd like to think that I'm nothing like that. But of course this is the only place where I can talk it out.