Tuesday, March 30, 2010


They go out, fill their mouths with drink and food so they don't have to speak
And in between courses they're gasping for air, so they yawn and look at their feet.

Shit this is exactly how I feel.....

Lame ass drama

I still feel miserable and depressed. This is getting stupid now. All I want to do at this point is just see my boyfriend. I don't care if we talk about all this shit that's going on between us, I just want to see him and be with him. I have seen or really talked to him in a week. I just want things to be alright again.
I texted him today to see if we could hang out. I feel like I have to ask his permission to come over now, when I never had to. I wanted him to invite me over, maybe go out to dinner like we used to every Tuesday. But he never said anything inclining towards it. I asked if maybe he wanted to hangout but I never really got a definitive answer. So I just told him to call me when he's leaving the gym.
I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore, aside from depressed. I start thinking about him and us and I just want to start crying.
I've also come to the realization that I just want to drink all the time. I constantly get this urge to just start drinking until I can't feel anymore. But I don't follow through, mostly because all I can think of is how many calories is in liquor.
I tried cutting again after like 5 years. It did jack shit for me and made feel like a failure because I couldn't even get the cut to bleed like I wanted it to. So I haven't done that again nor do I really want to. It's begun to cross my mind more and more lately but that's about as far as it goes.
I just feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I'm just a failure. I know it's not true but still that's how  I feel.
Well, at least I haven't eaten anything all day. I've been sleeping in between classes when most of my friends go to lunch so that I have an excuse not to go. I'm working on avoiding dinner.
So far I've had nothing but water and a 50cal whey protein shake. I was actually willing and excited to go out to eat sushi tonight, mostly cuz I'd get to see my boyfriend but I'm not betting that it's going to happen. I least I'll be able put off dinner with my friends.
I get sick of bitching about all this. It seems so self-centered and annoying. I hate coming across as that because I'd like to think that I'm nothing like that. But of course this is the only place where I can talk it out.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Poetry and Pounds

Let's pretend what we said is from a script
Well written from a daytime drama
We'll win an award for our brilliant acting
But at least we'll only be pretending.
You're words and causes won't leave a sting
And mine that cut will have no meaning
So that we can smile and go back to living. 
No need for silence and anxious guesses
That leaves me restless and aching for hope.
I want to touch without freezing
Your kisses that hit their mark.
Flowing speech that's not strung up.
I had your love, I think I lost it
But all that's lost can be found.
I'm on the search, I'm trying hard
I hope you look up long enough to notice.
So please, let's try, I'll pick up my script
I'll do it with a smile because, after all,
It's only pretend. 
~~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~~~~

I still feel like shit is awful between me and my boyfriend. I practically didn't eat for the last couple days except for some dinner because I was at his house. Lost like 3 pounds which brightened my mood a little bit. But then I got upset again because it wasn't enough. 
I ate so much today and it was ALL  bread. Fuck. I weighed myself this morning and I was like 119.8 then after lunch and it was 121.4 and it just makes me more depressed. But now that I've proven to myself that I can go the whole day with nothing but liquids, I know that I lose more weight. 
My first time goal is to try and lose at least 10 lbs by May 3 which is my bf's bday. The ultimate time goal is June 19, which is when I graduate, and by then I hope to lose 20 lbs. If I follow what I've been doing, and get my ass outside and moving, I know I can do this. 
I just hope everything gets worked out. He said that he needs some time to think on all of this, to make sure we're "in it for the right reasons". Supposedly we're going to talk sometime next week because he's off from work. [sigh]  
The only good thing from this is that I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything except what I absolutely have to [classes, etc.] so I'm not really eating. Those 2 days I wouldn't have had dinner either if I didn't go to his house. 
I hope all you girls are doing well. Hopefully better than me. 
Stay strong, be beautiful, and think thin <3

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Everything is Falling Apart

Which is exactly how I feel. Hashed it out with my boyfriend the other night. Shit has just been bad and I got to my breaking point. He says it's only because I realized how serious he was. Serious about what, I'm not really sure. He didn't say but I think I knew what he was driving at. He claims that we let this whole thing go too far and now it can't be resolved. When I asked him what we do then, if there is no resolving it, he never answered. Again, I knew what he was getting at but he would never say it out loud.

Supposedly, in the land of "we don't talk about it", everything's ok and we're ok. But I went over to his house last night and noticed a few things:
- Either he has bad aim or he's not kissing me straight on on purpose [I don't think it's the first]
- He doesn't touch me unless it's to fake hit me or put his fingers in my face. I tried to snuggle with him last night in bed and he usually puts his arm around me. Not last night.

So that hopefully feeling I woke up with is gone. I'm once again depressed which means I'm not going to want to do anything but of course I'm going to make myself. Only bright side is I won't eat anything.
Fuck this.
I really wanted to say something to him this morning when I left. But of course I didn't, I just wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible.

When will everything be ok

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I got to come home early for the weekend. Yay! My Lit of the Supernatural class for tomorrow was cancelled cuz my teacher has some meeting and we worked it out that now we don't have to go to Environmental Risk on Fridays.
Altho the reason I came home early isn't all that great. My dad has his surgery in the morning. He got diagnosed with prostate cancer in December but since they caught it so early and the cancer's completely isolated, he's gonna be fine. It's just a bit nerve wracking that he still has to be put under for like 4 hours and have doctors cutting him open. eeeh. Nope don't like it.
But, again, he's gonna be perfectly fine.

In other news:::
I got a new phone!! So excited, it's the Samsung Mythic and I love it :D
I've been playing with it all night and now I can actually go on the internet so I've been setting it up so that this, Pretty Thin, Doll Parts, and Fat Secret are in my favs link.

I just finished calculating how much I ate today. It was actually way under 800 for the total which kinda shocked me. I was avoiding eating all day but when I did eat, I felt like it was alot. I had a waffle at 7:30am then didn't eat until about 4:30pm when I made myself a turkey sub with lots of hot peppers and jalapeƱos.
Then at 6:30 I made another small turkey sandwich but also added some cajun pepper to it.

I have yet to weigh myself cuz I'm terrified of what the number will be. Since no one's really gonna be at the house, I won't have to eat for anyone. And I'm planning on exercising my ass off all weekend. I really need to start getting in the habit of going to work out or going for a run. Just getting off my ass.
I have been sleeping alot lately, mostly as a way to avoid the opportunity to eat.

Anywho, I'm starting to get tired soooo I'm off to bed.
btw LOOOVE the new Lady Gaga video....and Lady Gaga lol
Love you all and can't wait till we're all beautiful and thin!! <3

Friday, March 12, 2010

I hate this feeling. I hate being so hyper aware of every inch of my body, every inch of fat. Of having the urge to scream, or cry, or even throw up every time I feel my thighs touch, see my stomach stick out, feel my back fat spill over my bra.....all of this shit. It's awful.
It pisses me off that I fucked up so bad when I was so close to my goal weight. It pisses me off that I have to start all over again and that I feel as though I've lost all control.
But I can do this, I was fucking 107!!!
[sigh] Ana give me strength.....
I'm doing this shit. I'm getting tired of saying it so many times, as I'm sure you're probably sick of hearing me say it so many times. I'm just hoping that maybe if I say it enough, I'll finally believe in myself enough to get on top of it.

Anyway....2nd week of school down. I'm back home now with the fam which is awesome. I'm so happy to be home. I haven't seen my family in....well...about 2 weeks or so. It's also nice to be away from the drama of my boyfriend, he has become so retarded lately. Like we've absolutely switched roles in our relationship. He's just always bitching about something that I'm doing, and of course I can't do anything right. whatever.

Well, I'm off to go run on the treadmill, Love you all and hopefully tomorrow will bring me the inspiration and drive I need.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

72 Hour Fast...hopefully

Ok...for those who might actually read this blog, I'm sure you're getting tired of me jumping from one thing to the next diet-wise. I'm like in freakout mode, I'm so desperate to get this weight off.

Anywho, so now what I'm doing is a 72 hour fast. I want to say that I'm setting myself up for failure since I've never really done a fast to this extent. I really started yesterday and was doing so well. 9 hours of only liquids but then I made myself a salad at dinner...and a pasta bowl....and had a TON of potato chips. Ick....

So much for that. I felt like shit but I'm strengthened my resolve and I'm determined to do this. Just today, tomorrow and Friday. I can do this. I know I can.

I've tied a red string around my finger to wear along with my rings as a reminder. I had some red thread around my wrist to do the same thing but since I'm always in long sleeves, I never see it soooo it's pointless.
I know I have the self control, I just seem to have been ignoring it lately. Which is horrible. Because once again, I KNOW I can do this since I've done this before. WTF.....
I'll update at the end of the day, let you know how it went. I'll be thinking of all of you to keep me in check.


Monday, March 8, 2010

The Week to Start It All

So I'm back on ABC. I decided that for every day that I don't stay under, I have to repeat it. So far, I've done the 500 day 3 times....fuck. I've also decided to give myself a leeway of 100 cals.
But now i'm on day 3, which is under 400 cals. Which I've already gone over.

But the rest of the day, as well as the week [fingers crossed], should be good and easy-ish.
I haven't had lunch and I'm planning on not having dinner. Now that I'm not going to be hanging out at my bf's as much, which is LOADED with junk food, I should be fine.

This is the first full week of classes for me and I'm diving right in. This is also my last semester before I graduate, which is a scary but exciting thought. So I need to stay focused on school and go out with a grade-wise bang. So far so good. I think it'll also help keep me away from thinking about food and that I should be eating something. That's what usually gets me- thinking "Oh, it's about lunch time, I should eat something". But usually it's not just 'something', it's a lot of things. But this is the week to change and focus and I will do better. I will do great.

Also, now that the weather isn't shitty anymore I'm more inclined to walk across campus to the gym. And hopefully it will get nicer out so that I can go running and hiking outside.
Hearing that many of you are doing well is giving me motivation to do well too. Aaaaand we can all to well together!! And then we'll be the gorgeous thin girls that everyone will envy and sigh over. yup.

Just wait, we'll make their jaws drop in awe.