Shippin' Out

So my loveys, it's a new year, new blog-look, new.....things. lol
Right now my parents are out at some restaurant with my aunt and uncle. I'm at home with my lil brother and cousin, kicking their butts as Wii Mario Party. Haha so eventful. But I really don't feel like going out and getting shitfaced or high, I don't feel like being out on the town since it's freezing out, and my boyfriend's in Colorado.

So my awesome New Year's party is eating homemade pizza [3 slices] and drinking water and Diet Coke while playing video games with teenagers. haha I'm having fun so who cares.

Weight this morning was AWFUL. I have gained and am now around 112. FML
But I'm starting ABC tomorrow with some other lovely ladies and then I'm leaving the next morning to go onto my ship.

Soooo expect me to come home in 2 months looking fabulous and at least 10 lbs lighter!! I'm so excited to be shipping out because it's like a clean start for me to get my shit together food wise, I'll have a lot of time to just focus on it and getting thin. It'll be amazing.

Only down side is that I'll have no internet and won't be able to come on here, or Doll Parts or Skinny Doll [now that PT is gone] So I won't be able to go to you girls for support and help!!! I'm gonna miss you all and I'm gonna try to keep a mini journal and take progress photos while I'm out.
You're all so wonderful and I really am going to miss all of you!!!

Please make sure no other sites close down while I'm gone!! lol

Cellphones and Buddha Beads

Holy shit, 22 followers. That's kinda cool that people actually find what I write interesting. lol not to sound conceded or anything. I don't think what I write is all that fascinating, but it's kinda nice to know that someone else is taking a moment to read my thoughts.
Anywho...weight this morning was 110. ick.....I'm sure it's higher now, after the crap I just ate. I can't wait to get on the ship. I'll barely eat cuz the food is awful, so it'll be easier to restrict aaaand all I can think about it is all the weight I'm going to lose.

I've started to really get into meditation and Buddhism. It's a really great distraction, especially the meditation. I have a few malas that I made and meditate with. I bought a bunch of beads today and I'm gonna get some more tomorrow to make more while I'm on the ship.

I feel like becoming more centered and disciplined will help me keep in control.  Help me be more in control and strong. I don't know, like I said, it's a good distraction.

I'm also having boyfriend mini-drama. Apparently I'm "treating him like an asshole" and we're in a "one-way relationship because I only talk to him when I feel like it".
Translation: he's getting pissy because I don't text/call more often during the day. Really? I'm sorry that I'm pretty much consumed by Ana, I just found out my dad has prostate cancer, my grandma's back in the hospital. When I have the time to just sit on the couch and do nothing, think about nothing, I like to take advantage of it.  Whatever. I'll be leaving soon for 6 weeks and I won't be able to call/text/whatever.

I don't know...I just feel stressed. And I feel like it's so stupid to say.....but if I was at least around 105, I'd feel a bit better.

Surprise Spaghetti

So today was supposed to be a fast day and what do you know, I find out that my aunt and uncle are coming over for dinner with homemade spaghetti and meatballs. And lots of breads. And whatnot.
Ick.
Dinner was super tastey but I felt so gross afterwards.

I'm going to fast tomorrow. Hopefully I can get away with it cuz my mom has the day off. I have some errands I need to run before I leave to go to the ship, so at least that will kill some time. I'm also supposed to go get drinks with my friend from high school tomorrow night. She mentioned today about maybe getting dinner. I said oh we'll see. Hopefully no dinner but maybe if I just get a salad I'll be ok. Definitely don't want a fainting repeat.

I'm just happy that all extended family is gone which means no more huge dinners. Back to scrounging for ourselves which is fine by me.

Night ladies! Stay strong, think thin, be beautiful!
xo

Her neck is so gorgeous

Holiday Foods Galore

So today was the last day of big family dinners. While all were amazingly delicious, I felt awful during and after each one. I did pretty well on not binging but I've been putting so much junk in my body. There are like sooo many fucking desserts in my house right now.

Tonight my dad made a pot roast with peas, mashed potatoes and cooked carrots. Not a bad meal, pretty healthy. I had a small plate and was proud of myself, didn't finish it all an whatnot. But afterwards I had 2 slices of pecan spice cake and took a couple fork fulls from the cake itself. Gross.
After eating 'normally' the past few days it's like I can't stop. Thank god I haven't binged but still....I feel beyond awful and so sick.

I started a new bottle of diet pills...I think it's a Stacker 3 product. I can't remember. So far so good. Hope these work out.

I weighed myself this morning, 109.4.
Weighed myself again after dinner.... fucking 111.7. What the fuck.
I'm fasting for 3 days so I can get this crap out of my body and clean it out.

Well it's time for bed now. Hope you all had a lovely holiday.
xo

Christmas!!

So tonight was the 2nd family dinner and there's gonna be another one tonight, I think.
Sucks..

I've been trying to take small portions and not gorge myself on baked goods. Right now I'm just fluctuating between 108 and 109. I was 109.4 this morning and I haven't weighed myself again yet. I guess this is't too bad...especially since I got so many "Look how skinny you are!!" as well as "Ohmigod, you're way too skinny! Are you losing weight???"

My mom actually questioned me about my weight this afternoon, saying that I'm too skinny and if I'm losing, I need to stop. Whatever. I just laughed and said that I'm still around 115.

These past couple days, especially today, I've just kept telling myself that I'll be on the ship soon and I'll have 2 months of shitty food I won't even want to look at. And then I imagine all the weight I will be able to lose and I calm down a bit.

But still, I need to get this nasty, gross fat off me!!! And all this food [like a cinnamon spice crumb cake or a peanut butter pie] definitely isn't helping and I have a completely freakout in my head after I eat it.
I've actually thrown up a bit in my mouth by reflex and partly from panicking about all the calories and shit.

One more day.....one more day..... Then it's New Years but we don't do dinner, just hor d'ourves and booze.

Hope you girls are doing well, keep it up, we can get past this!!! Just a few more days and we'll be free of massive amounts of food! lol
Love you all, xo

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!!!

And Down She Goes!!!

Yesterday I went to Somerset to visit my friend from school. We smoked up a bit while doing some Christmas shopping for his family. We get to this jewelry boutique kinda place to get his mom a new Pandora charm for her bracelet. I started to kinda feel like I was getting the spins, I figured it was just cuz I smoked on a very empty stomach. I'm trying to get this lady's attention and all of a sudden I'm on the floor. 

I totally fainted from not eating all day!!! In a store full of crazy yuppie white women! 

My friend Matt started to get me up, these women are freaking out, saying I'm having a seizure. He mentioned something about outside and I, in my complete foggy logic, decide yes this is a good idea. But instead of waiting for him to help me, I stumble for the door.
Apparently he caught me just in time before I went head first and took out a display full of little glass things that cost hundreds of dollars.

He finally got me to the car and as soon as I sat down, totally normal. I felt absolutely fine. But we were stalked by these two crazy ladies who would not let us leave, called the fucking ambulance!!


ugh I couldn't believe it. I kept telling them I was fine, I just hadn't eaten, no big deal. But those damn women would not let us leave. So the ambulance shows up, they take my blood sugar and it's totally fine and in normal ranges. So they let me go.


Talk about a crazy fuckin day. Over course, I never heard the end of it from my friend Matt all day. lol
Oh man....I guess I need to be more careful about fasting.

Keep On Runnin'

So I had to eat something for dinner with my family because it was so much later than after I said I had eaten that  the rents wouldn't believe me.
So I made myself a grilled cheese on pita bread- pita (60), cheese (45) and 2 small slices of ham (~15) - a relatively low-cal healthy meal. But I ended up having two 100 cal cookies and some crackers. I felt so disgusting, even though I didn't binge and was under my cal count.

And then I had to sit and watch a movie with my family even though I wanted to run downstairs so badly and run on the treadmill. I thought about purging, but I didn't eat a ton of bad food and I'm trying to stop anyhow.

So I sat on the couch....for almost 2 hours thinking about this shit sitting in my stomach that really shouldn't be there. Once 10:00 hit and everyone went to bed, I booked it downstairs and ran for an hour.

According to the treadmill I burned over 300 cals, but this calories-burned counter I use says that I burned almost 430 cals. Either way that's good but I wish I knew the exact number.

Anyhow I feel so much better. I haven't ran in so long, it feels so great. So I'm waking up a bit earlier than usual so I can run again. I'm hoping to do another hour but I need to still have enough time to get all my other chores done and take a shower. Oh! And figure out what I'm wearing tomorrow night.

Actually I'm still pretty jazzed up from running so I might do that now before bed. Which means that there will be clothes all over the floor in my room after I just cleaned it up. haha oh well

Goodnight ladies!!! Hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow if I don't write!
xo

btw I totally heart Lady Gaga